Are You Happy? While reading the Sunday Star Times in Nelson, NZ, I ran across a mindblowing poll that made front page news here on the sunny south island. New Zealand is the epicenter of optimism. According to the State of the Nation report by UMR research Kiwis are happy with the following: Housing: 94% Family Life 92% Opportunities 90% Health 90% Education m88% Jobs 81% Finances 76% While the polls conveyed the general tenor of the public mood, the article failed to speculate why people in NZ feel this way. Can't you see? They're hiding something from us, folks! The tourists don't seem so happy! By and large, having the vast majority of a country's population in a state of bliss is a good thing; therefore, the Shameless Antagonist intends to get to the bottom of this. Therefore, I propose to do the following: I intend to find out what makes them happy and surreptitously sneak it out of the country. I will lie, cheat, steal, and buy the place up with beads to get ahold of whatever makes them so happy. Whatever this treasure is, it surely should be, by divine right, the sole property of the United States of America. Just as Dubya felt God led him to invade Iraq, I believe the heavens dictate that I must pilfer and plunder pulcheritude and bliss from New Zealand...stay tuned.