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Monday, November 22, 2004

How I'm Going To Save The World From A Mad Dictator

My emissary, Rick Fawcett, negotiating a lasting peace on the Korean Peninsula

As a former resident of Seoul, I was often asked for my take on the menacing spectre of North Korea and its wingnut leader Kim Jung Il.

After two years and many discussions with my Korean colleagues, I came to the conclusion that South Koreans, by and large, considered North Korea less of a threat than the Americans did. There are several compelling reasons why an invasion would be unlikely to occur. For example, this time around, there won't be a million Chinese red army soldiers backing the fellow commies. However, there's no telling what a madman and a desperate nation in the grip of famine and pestilence might do.

For this reason, my emissary, Rick Fawcett, has encouraged the South Korean army and U.S. forces to withdraw from the DMZ. He also cordially invited the North Korean troops to "invade" and "capture" Seoul, South Korea's capital. The city will offer no resistance.

To the uninitiated, this may seem like cowardly capitulation. However, while the U.S. and R.O.K. troops are retreating, a secret weapon will move northward; a weapon the likes of which the world has never seen. The advancing troops will be met with no resistance, but rather with buffet trays, fine Korean booze, and heaping piles of seasoned meats. It shall be called "Operation Old Country Buffet". After a gluttonous feast, the invaders will be showered with all the wonders of a technologically advanced democracy.

As the North Korean forces trudge into undefended downtown Seoul, they will witness at least one bungalow-size HDTV on every block, Seoulites will gladly loan their cellphones to their "visitors" as the South Korean government will officially refer to them.

The inevitable conclusion of the "Operation Old Country Buffet" is clear. The North Koreans, accustomed to dining on grass and tree bark, will fix their bayonets and march back to Pyongyang seeking revenge.

Of course, this sounds like a far-fetched scenario, but really, is it any less likely to succeed than our current "strategery" in Iraq?

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