I'm Looking For The Pro-Drug, Pro-Sex Candidate Before he became a big movie star, Dennis Leary had an outrageous rant in his standup routine about drugs. As I recall, it went something like this..." Ya hear people talking about the war on drugs...My solution is this: Not less drugs...More drugs, and give 'em to the right people...Whenever you hear about someone dying of a drug overdose, it's always some really talented guy, like Jim Belushi or Len Bias..." As I think about which Democratic candidate I'm going to vote for, I've concluded that I'll vote for the candidate that is most clearly pro-drug and pro-sex. We need more of both. We don't need a war on drugs on this country, we need a war for drugs...Specifically cheap prescription drugs from Canada! Better yet, let's find a way to produce drugs cheaply here so we don't have to meet Canada in a dark alley to buy grandma's thyroid medication. Keeping drugs out of the hands of kids: Good idea. Keeping drugs out of Grandma: cruel. As far as marijuana, Dennis's theory is especially applicable. Pot itself is neither good nor bad, it's how it's used, and by whom that assigns any moral value to it. Some people should have less THC; some should have more.While I've seen some recreational users who would benefit from smoking less, I've also heard the testimonials from terminally ill cancer patients and elderly people suffering from glaucoma and other maladies. In addition, maybe a toke or two would take the cork out of Condolezza Rice...The world might be a different place if a few stoners in the seventies had taken her under their wing. She could be listening to the Greatful Dead somewhere and making dandelion necklaces rather than talking about "WMD-related program activities". Then again, who's to say she isn't smoking up? How else can you explain her? Who's to say toking up and making dandelion necklaces doesn't fit her definition of a WMD-related program activity? We not only need a pro-drug, pro-sex candidate, we furthermorse need a pro sex drug candidate. Case in point: Bob Dole. For years, he was the crankiest old buzzard in congress; a real stuffed shirt; a fuddy-duddy. Then, he developed a well-known fondness for Viagra, and pretty soon he's kissing his wife in public and making videos with Britney Spears. Recently I wrote about the fact that he's come around to the idea of a single-payer healcare system...Coincidence? Hardly. Let's have more drugs for the right people! John Ashcroft should have a free lifetime supply of Viagra, free of charge. Other prominent Republicans in need of a good seeing-to include: Dan Quayle, Dick Cheney, Paul Wolfowitz, Henry Kissinger...the list goes on and on. Rush Limbaugh is another Republican who would benefit from increased drug use; as we all know, he lost his hearing due to his Oxycontin addiction. While I'm glad he's received treatment for that particular addiction, maybe there's a drug out there somewhere that will take away his voice... We need a pro-sex president. Sure, Clinton got the hummer under the oval office desk, but during his presidency, he never once sent a soldier to his death on the battlefield in eight years of office (the 18 soldiers who died in Somalia were sent there by George Bush Sr., and I doubt that he and Babs were shagging like doublejointed bunnies on crack, for obvious reasons). I don't care if he/she is straight, gay, monogamous, polygamous...whatever. I want my next president to have a happy, gratifying sex life. A sexually satiated president, I contend, would be far less likely to accquire massive stockpiles of heatseeking missles. My Sincere Apologies To Willie Nelson There should be a statuate of limitatations on crimes against good taste. A few days ago, I took the piss out of Willie Nelson for his eighties duet with Juilo Iglesias, "To All The Girls I've Loved Before". While I believe my criticism for that particular song was justified, Sam is right. Willie deserves respect for being a songwriter of the highest caliber; one of the greatest of his generation. Consider the following lyrics you've never heard on any clear channel station (he wrote it last Christmas): " What Ever Happened To Peace On Earth? " There's so many things going on in the world Babies dying, Mothers crying How much oil is one human life worth And what ever happened to Peace On Earth? We believe everything that they tell us They're gonna' kill us So we gotta' kill them first But I remember a commandment Thou shall not kill How much is that soldier's life worth And whatever happened to Peace On Earth? (Bridge) And the bewildered herd is still believing Everything we've been told from our birth Hell they won't lie to me Not on my own damn TV But how much is a liar's word worth And whatever happened to Peace On Earth? So I guess it's just Do unto others before they do it to you Let's just kill em' all and let God sort em' out Is this what God wants us to do? (Repeat Bridge) And the bewildered herd is still believing Everything we've been told from our birth Hell they won't lie to me Not on my own damn TV But how much is a liar's word worth And whatever happened to Peace On Earth? Now you probably won't hear this on your radio Probably not on your local TV But if there's a time, and if you're ever so inclined You can always hear it from me How much is one picker's word worth And whatever happened to Peace On Earth? But don't confuse caring for weakness You can't put that label on me The truth is my weapon of mass protection And I believe truth sets you free (Bridge) And the bewildered herd is still believing Everything we've been told from our birth Hell they won't lie to me Not on my own damn TV But how much is a liar's word worth And whatever happened to Peace On Earth?