I'm Searching For The Pro-Nipple Candidate So Michael Powell, the FCC Chairman, is launching an investigation of the Superbowl halftime show. It seems that conservatives are aghast that Janet ( that's Miss Jackson to you) "inadvertently" bared her pierced nipple on television. Thanks, Michael, for addressing the most pressing issue facing America today. Never mind the deficit or the war! Let's investigate nipples! Many of us remember you, Michael, for your crusade to deregulate corporate ownership of the media last year. You and the corporations are still pushing, despite losing in court, and despite the fact that 97% of Americans were opposed to it. Thanks to you, we may have fewer and fewer independent news media outlets, and can be assured of more "Fair and Balanced" news from the likes of Rupert Murdoch and other bizillionaires. But never mind that! Our country is under assault from WDM's--Women's Destructive Mammary Glands! What is there to investigate, anyway? We've seen the photos, we've seen the footage. I can only imagine how Powell would go about investigating...According to the Washington Post, " 'Powell said the investigation will be "thorough and swift.' " I'm sure it will be! I would guess that Powell will study the photos with considerable enthusiasm for about 10 minutes, then suddenly lose interest. You'll take the matter in hand, won't you Michael? The gynophobic pontificator continues... "I am outraged at what I saw during the halftime show of the Super Bowl," the FCC chairman said in a statement. "Like millions of Americans, my family and I gathered around the television for a celebration. Instead, that celebration was tainted by a classless, crass and deplorable stunt. Our nation's children, parents and citizens deserve better." Michael, The people of the United States do deserve better; they deserve better than a man like you as head of the FCC. We deserve an FCC chairman who isn't in the back pocket of corporations. As far as outrage, most have reserved that particular emotion for your father, who lied us into a war. In my lifetime, I've seen countless nipples, and not even the perkiest among them have done me any harm. In fact, I wouldn't have made it through my infancy without them. Nipples...I love 'em. In fact, I'm looking for the candidate who proudly carries forth the "pro-nipple" banner, figuratively speaking. The nipple is a symbol of nurturing, therefore the pro-nipple candidate would support early childhood education and daycare. The pro-nipple candidate would also be an unabashed supporter of the equal rights amendment, planned parenthood, and all issues that pertain to the utilization of one's nipples, even if these issues aren't directly related to nipplehood per se--we can refer to these as "aureola issues". I'd much rather support the pro-nipple candidate than face a future with incompetent boobs like Michael Powell in positions of authority.