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Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The Ask Dr. Torture Show

Dr. John Yoo: Welcome To The Ask Dr. Torture Show. I have Steve from Minnesota on the line.
Caller: Thanks Dr. Torture. I'm a long time listener, first time caller. I really loved your last show on the effectatious application of thumbscrews. Great show!
Dr. Yoo: Thanks. Do you have a question?
Caller: Yeah. I just need some guidance. I have this friend--I don't want to mention his real name--let's just call him Billy O'Reilly--who has always dreamed of applying electrodes to the genitals of another man. He's thinking of joining the military, but I told him that the president has said "We do not torture". Is there any chance he can live out his fantasy without breaking the law?
Dr. Yoo: Well, yes, yes he can! Thanks to my work on the Bybee Memo, torture is now defined so narrowly that only activities resulting in "death, organ failure or the permanent impairment of a significant body function" qualify.
Caller: Wow! Thanks Dr. Torture! So what you're saying is that, as long as it doesn't lead to permanent impairment, death, or organ failure, he can crank up the juice!
Dr. Yoo: That's what we're all about here at the Dr. Torture show--making dreams come true for guys like little Billy.
Caller: Gee, thanks Dr. Torture!

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